How Was Your Weekend? Mine? It Was Expensive!

I hope you all had a great weekend.  In my case, I think it may have been cheaper for me to have worked this weekend!  My Saturday started like any other Saturday - sleeping in a bit, getting up, feeding the boys and deciding what to do for the day.  I thought I would be nice and take Cooper for a walk before taking a shower and I knew he wouldn't mind if I didn't shower first.

We had a great walk and it was beautiful outside - pretty much a perfect day.  We played in the park, got some coffee (for me) and we were on our way back home for my shower and his nap.  When I arrived, I gave him some fresh water and went to take a shower.  After my shower, I realized that I needed to vacuum.  Actually, with these two fur balls, I could (and should) vacuum every day.  I have mostly hardwood floors and there is always a fur tumbleweed going by - even right after I am finished vacuuming.

I cranked up the music and begin my vacuum routine.  Yes, I have a routine that I follow - I'm not weird, just particular (stop judging me).  First, I hit all of the un-carpeted floors, then I will go back and clean the throw rugs.  I have a large one under my dining room table and a one in the living room area.  I finished the hardwoods and I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel - once I finish these two big rugs, I am free of responsibility for the rest of the day!  The weekend is my oyster to do whatever I want!

As I head to the rug under the dining room table, a awesome song comes on and I immediately know this weekend is going to be great.  I start singing along and even maybe performed a couple of dance steps.  Then.... I smell it - the undeniable smell of poop!  I look around and am confused, I just vacuumed everywhere and didn't see anything; where could this smell be coming from?  As quickly as that thought entered my mind, I realized the answer - there was sh*t on the dining room rug and during my singing and dancing routine, I vacuumed right over it.  Before my realization  I continued to push and pull the vacuum across the rug, totally smearing it EVERYWHERE! 

Now, I don't know from whom the shit originated because by the time I actually found it, I could not identify it as cat or dog.  The shit had now become one with not only my vacuum but also my very expensive rug!  I immediately turned the vacuum off and surveyed the damage - and it was extensive!  There was poop all over the roller brush of the vacuum and in the dirt holder.  The rug was not in any better shape; it had more skid marks than a young boy's underwear!  I donned a mask (they are not only good for coronavirus) and went in to try and clean the rug - it was a battle I knew I never had a chance to win.  After about an hour of trying, I waved the white flag of surrender.  Next was the vacuum; it didn't look so bad, I thought I had a chance of saving it.  I took it apart and cleaned it up (gross) and did the best I could to make it whole again.  I put everything back together and started it up.  As soon as it started, all I could smell was sh*t!  I looked again and confirmed that I had gotten it all cleaned off and let it run for about 15 more minutes (I hoped maybe it just needed to blow the shit smell out).  The smell never stopped blowing out of every vent of that damned machine.  Yup, poop had claimed not only the expensive rug, but also the vacuum.  All I see know is red and dollar signs.

Well, guess what I did with the rest of my Saturday?  That's right, rug and vacuum shopping!  It was an expensive weekend and I still don't know which one of those little assholes to blame!  I know it wasn't me...I was in the shower!  Hope you week isn't as shitty as mine started out as! 

Until next time....

The Fire Marshal Visited Today

As I have discussed previously, we are located in an area that doesn't see any foot or vehicle traffic.  If you are unlucky enough to find yourself driving down our pot-hole filled, weed and tress growing over a dirt road, you are either an employee here, a truck or delivery driver or you are looking for a place to be murdered and never found again.  What I am trying to say is that we don't have very many visitors.

That changed today when a large man came through our front door.  I'm sure the group thought that maybe he worked for a trucking company and was looking to obtain our business.  Nope, as he looked around the front office, he commented on and said hello to Frick and Frack and then asked to see the owner of the building.  The Boss overheard our conversation and came out of his office, chest puffed out, stating he was the owner and how could he help him.  The man then introduced himself as the Fire Marshal for the town.  Well, with those few words, the demeanor of The Boss changed IMMEDIATELY!

All of a sudden, there was no chest puffing and he began to stammer a bit as he replied.  The Fire Marshal said he wanted to welcome us to the neighborhood.  He then asked to walk through the building with The Boss to make sure everything was up to code and we had all the necessary equipment and signage.  I actually watched as the The Boss turned a whiter shade of pale standing there next to this man. What the hell is this all about? It looks like The Boss had seen a ghost!

I cannot explain the strange behavior of the The Boss.  I had no worries that we would perform well during this "inspection" - what the hell was spooking The Boss so badly.  My god, you would think we were cooking meth in the back or something.   Then I remembered his painting outfit which had resembled something that Walter White would wear in Breaking Bad - god, I hope they don't stumble across that during the inspection.  His nervous behavior paired with that outfit would definitely guarantee that our next visitor would be from the police department.

The Boss and the Marshal toured the building and it was over in about 15 minutes.  He told us we needed some chemical signage on the outside of the building as well as the company name and building number; that way fire officials could easily find us and have an idea of dangerous building contents.  Yes you read that correctly, we do not have a company sign indicating our name on the building (you can't be surprised by that after all the things I have told you so far). 

The Fire Marshal gave us two weeks to make the changes/additions and he indicated he would be back to follow up.  He and The Boss shook hands and he was on his way.  I have placed an order for the chemical signage and it should be here early next week.  The Boss said he has to "think about" how he wants to handle the sign containing the company name - he doesn't really want anyone to know we are here.  No, don't let anyone know that a company is here, let's definitely keep it a secret.  We will become so much more successful if we are incognito and no one knows about us!

This place is NUTS!

Now for some unsolicited television advice - I just found out that on July 1st Netfilx will be carrying all three seasons of Kingdom.  Now, I know, you never heard of Kingdom have you?  Kingdom was created by and shown on  DirecTV and it is not to be missed.  Set in Venice, CA, Kingdom follows the Kulina family; a family involved in MMA.  Don't worry, you don't have to like mixed martial arts to love this show - it is much more than a show about MMA.  It is dysfunctional, funny and tragic and so well written and acted.  It is a sin that it wasn't appreciated by more viewers. Trust me it's awesome and I can't wait to watch it again! 

The Boss Now Decides How Work Orders Are Filled

We were happy to find another large order waiting for upon our arrival today!  As I have mentioned, since we have been back to work, we have been quite busy and for that we are all grateful!  Not soon after the order arrival, we received a memo from The Boss - see a portion of it below:

To:  All Sales 
From: The Boss
Re:  Production
Date: 6/24/2020

It's kind of a good news bad news thing.  Everyone's efforts have produced great results in the last week, at the same time!  This has put the ball in Adam, Alex and Wayne's court.  History has shown that they are all more than capable of great production.  But in order for them to accomplish these tasks, I will be deciding the order that work orders will be filled and shipped.  If your customers are going to continue to receive the service they have grown to expect, it is essential that we make this change for the foreseeable future.  Therefore, do not go to the shop to inquire about your order, or whether anything else can go today or what is in stock.  Direct ALL inquires to myself or Nutty.  Inquiring of the shop can stop everyone from working on the very thing you are asking about and further delay its completion.  

According to need, the following priority of the orders received has been assigned as follows:

1.xxxxx
2.xxxxx
3.xxxxx 

Up until this point, orders were pretty much filled as they arrived, unless someone requested a next day air package, etc.  If a small order were to arrive, in many instances one of the warehouse guys would get it together in between other larger orders so it didn't have to wait. 

Now, under the new process, when a work order is generated it goes directly to The Boss, rather than the warehouse.  He has his own clipboard and is constantly shuffling the sequence of the orders.  I am not exaggerating when I say, he must alter the sequence at least four times a day - and that's if no new orders arrive.  Did I also mention that each time he changes the sequence, he creates a new "master list" with the company name, items, etc.  This man kills more trees with his amended lists than anyone I have ever known. 

Once he has the amended list, he will then go and conference with the warehouse personnel about why he made the change.  Each conference averages about 20 minutes - in which production stops completely!  How in the name of everything holy does he think this process is helping to get orders done more efficiently?  Didn't he warn the salespeople in his memo about inquiries stopping production?  I know, the "rules" don't apply to him - but he is the major problem with production stoppage.

Now that he has assigned himself this new "task" I have heard him mention twice that he has been unable to get anything done.  Maybe if he was not amending the work order sequence, creating a new master list and killing trees like a damn madman he could get something accomplished!  FYI - only two orders were completed and shipped today.  This new process is going to be so wonderful and efficient (yes, I did roll my eyes after I typed this).

Number 101 Already?

Today marks the 101st posting in Observations From The Nuthouse!  It has been an interesting and enlightening experience to say the least.  What started out as a fun little project for me has evolved into a fun, bigger project that I think helps me avoid visits to a psychiatrist.  So, this blog is not only helping to heal my head but allowing me to keep co-payments in my wallet.  I'm sure Cooper and Milo could find some interesting toys to buy with those saved dollars.

As you know, this blog has allowed me to report the crazy things that occur during my working day.  Sometimes seeing The Nuthouse happenings in print evokes a bit of disbelief.  Often, as I am reading it back (and checking for spelling errors), I find it almost impossible to understand how anyone would not think that I am making this stuff up.  Rest assured, the things that occur in The Nuthouse are true and factual; I sometimes am sad to admit that they are not exaggerated or inflated in any way.  Like I said in one of my early posts, the names have been changed to protect the insane.

You might ask, what did I discover after writing 100 blog posts about a crazy workplace filled with equally crazy people?  I discovered that I enjoy sitting down and writing three or four times a week.  While in school I really loved writing, as I became older, I sadly have gotten away from it.  I have also discovered that I actually like and appreciate where I work.  Don't get me wrong, I still think the place is chock full of nuts; but that being said, I work with a bunch of really nice people.  I realized this during the time when we were all stuck working from home.  We would check in with each other, (yes, concerning work), but also just to make sure that everyone was okay and keeping it together.  Speaking of the quarantine, I never missed a paycheck, my health insurance didn't lapse and I continued to accrue vacation time!  Not many people can say they were not financially affected in some way due to COVID-19; I was not and for that I will always be eternally grateful.  The Boss did not have to continue to pay us all (and we would not have been surprised if he didn't), yet he said we were a team and we would come back and the company would be stronger than before.

I appreciate you taking this comedic journey with me.  I hope you have enjoyed the first 100 postings and were able to find some form of entertainment in them.  I also am hopeful that after reading about The Nuthouse you can see your place of employment in a new light and realize it might not be as nuts as you once thought.

Thanks again for spending some time with me and if you have any questions or comments, send them my way!  Until next time Nutties!

In Appreciation of My Dad

If I am to be perfectly honest, I lost track of the date and forgot Sunday was Father's Day.  I know, I know, I am an awful son.  Don't worry, I feel worse than your judgmental thoughts of me every could.  Due to this oversight, I didn't mail my Father's Day card in time for Sunday arrival (remember, my parents live a couple of time zones away).  I came clean to my Dad when we had our FaceTime call on Sunday.  When I apologized, he laughed and said, "I appreciate your cards when they arrive, but I wish you would just save your money and postage.  Don't you know cards are not necessary, I know you like me!"  With that comment, (yup, he did not say I loved him, only that I liked him), I realized where I got my warped sense of humor from; it was Dad.  One hundred percent, Dad!

I don't believe my Dad was close to his Dad - I'm not really sure, because he really didn't speak much about him.  His Dad (my Grandfather), passed away before I was born, so I never had the chance to meet him.  I was able to piece together that he was a tough man, who worked hard, but didn't have much time for his family.  My Dad inherited a strong work ethic, and even though he was always busy with work (my Mom was a "stay at home Mom"), I always remember him being around.  It's funny the things you remember about growing up as you get older and the little things you appreciate.

My Dad and I have always had a similar sense of humor.  I remember he used to make me laugh when I was little at the weirdest things.  We used to do things together on the weekends and as we would leave in his truck, he would say, "we are off like a heard of turtles" and then make some strange noise that he thought sounded like tires squealing (it didn't), but it always made me laugh.  I would "help" him in the garage (I'm sure I wasn't very helpful) and we would have lunch together.  Now, my Dad didn't like vegetables, hated them, in fact, but he always said he would try them if I would.  I grew up to love vegetables and he still hates them, except for corn and an occasional green salad. Even with his aversion to vegetables, he still is alive and kicking, so if you hate veggies, don't worry, it might work out for you too.

As I got older, I became a bit of a wise guy and always thought I had succeeded when/if I made my Dad laugh - even when my Mom would elbow him in the ribs and tell him to stop laughing at me.  Now, my Mom was funny, but unfortunately for her, not because she was trying to be.  This fact alone cemented my relationship with my Dad.  We have always loved to giggle at the things that Mom says or does.  She is used to it after all of this time, but when I was younger, she would get so pissed!  She would tell my Dad, "I cannot believe I birthed someone with your exact sense of humor!"

I have many things to thank my Dad for - working above and beyond to make sure I had everything I needed and wanted growing up.  For giving me the opportunity to make my own mistakes and not throwing them back in my face, or saying "I told you so" and for giving me a strong foundation of right and wrong.  I don't think kids are in my future (I like other people's kids, but do not want my own), but I know if I were to become a Dad someday, I am lucky to have parents that provided a great road map to follow for raising kids. I just would hope my spawn doesn't have the same sense of humor - god help my Mom if there were three of us!

It was nice spending some time with my Dad yesterday, even if it was via electronics.  He told me about his week, his big plans for Father's Day (a great western on TV) and what my Mom was cooking him for dinner (a big steak and no veggies).  All, in all it was a great talk; and most of the time I could see his entire face on the screen.

Thanks, Dad for everything and Happy Belated Father's Day to you and all the Dad's out there!

Some Final Thoughts For the Week

This meme says it all; it has been a loooonnnng week!  Just a couple of items to update you on the goings on at The Nuthouse.

• The Boss mentioned once again that the bubbler seems very loud on Frick and Fracks watery home. What does this man have against two harmless fish?  I'm going have to keep them now just to annoy him!
• We were informed on three separate occasions today that The Boss has to come in over the weekend to mow the lawn.  My hope is that the wildlife has eaten the food garbage he has thrown out in the grass.  I'm glad I will not be here to witness his lawn mowing attire.
• Drew interrupted me today to inform me that he had the highest SAT score in his class.  He is such a wise ass!  I think he may have said it loud enough for Mike to hear, but I cannot be sure.
• The Boss is still rockin' the beard and has started stroking it when he speaks to others.  I wonder if he thinks it makes him look sinister?
• Not only does The Boss make coffee in the most annoying way possible (click here for refresher on coffee making 101); I have noticed that he fills his cup beyond full and attempts to walk across the room.  Yup, spills it every f'in time! 
• I haven't heard the story yet, but clumsy Wayne sustained another injury at some point this week.  It wasn't bad enough to need emergency care or time off, but I heard it was an injury none the less.

To say I am looking forward to the weekend is an understatement!  Have a great weekend Nutties; be safe, be kind, have fun and keep washing those hands!  Talk to you on Monday! 

Well, Someone Thinks Quite A Lot of Himself

It has been apparent for some time now that a certain person in The Nuthouse thinks quite highly of himself.  No, I am not referring to The Boss (although, he does hold that belief too).  In this case, I am referring to our in-house, come over to team god, salesperson Mike.  Mike has been with the organization the longest and is under the strange impression that longevity is somehow equivalent to intelligence.

Mike is a funny bird, since is under the impression that he has a high level of intelligence, he has a tendency to speak down and be demeaning to others.  As you can imagine, this type of behavior doesn't go over well in a small company.  I wish I could post some of the emails that he sends to current and potential customers.  There are numerous spelling errors (yes, he will utilize spell check, but I think he has added the incorrectly spelled words to "his dictionary" so now the program just ignores them), he doesn't know where to use a comma or realizes that a sentence needs a period to end.  It is just ugly and honestly isn't a good look for the organization.  The ironic thing is that Mike has told me on more than one occasion that he achieved the highest SAT score in his entire class.  I am curious what that "class" consisted of thus allowing him to obtain the highest score, but that topic is something to investigate at a later time (my money is on a class of monkeys or donkeys).

In the past, I have not said much about his sh*tty communication style because I didn't think anyone really noticed (my excellent hearing and sensitive "bullshit meter" is a curse), but it all changed today after Mike left his office for lunch.  He had no more than cleared the front door when Drew says under his breath, (but actually loud enough for everyone to hear), "what exactly is wrong with that f'in guy?"  I immediately knew what he was talking about and I laughed out loud.  It was on like Donkey Kong -  a long roasting of Mike while he was away from the office.

Drew told the story of how Mike has a habit of acting like he is his boss.  He will frequently ask questions about upcoming jobs or if certain orders have gone out the door.  Drew said initially he thought he was just being friendly, but quickly learned that there was more to it than just being nice. He said he has now taken to just ignoring him and fortunately, Mike will lose interest and move to something else.

Rachel told a similar story, but added that Mike had gone around her and contacted her customer directly to discuss an upcoming order they were going to place.  She said after discovering the contact, she met with Mike privately and asked why he would do such a thing and Mike responded that he thought she didn't give the customer the correct product.  When she pointed out that she had, he backtracked a bit and said he was just looking out for the customer.  She told him to stay away from her customers otherwise she was going to take it up with The Boss. She thinks it may have worked, because she hasn't noticed any interference lately.

I then told them my favorite Mike story; the story that still makes me laugh when I think of it.  It happened not soon after I started here as a mere temporary worker.  I heard him speaking on the phone and he stated that "when all was said and done, he wanted to leave this earth having made a mark in this industry."  Now, I know that I have been very vague about what we do here. We are a manufacturer of products and nothing more.  What we do is important, but in the great scheme of things is not going to change the world.  I don't foresee a day when future generations are sitting around and discussing the positive and life altering things that Mike accomplished while he was working at The Nuthouse.  My god, you are not Steve Jobs; get over yourself!  The only mark you will be leaving behind are skid marks in your skivvies!

I have a feeling that there will be more office stories of Mike being discussed between the employees in the future.  Sometimes us The Nuthouse employees get tired of just discussing The Boss - you know what they say, variety is the spice of life.

Have a great night Nutties!