Monday, July 6, 2020

Do You Know Why The Kitchen Sink Is Running Slow?

Allow me to take you back in time - to about a month ago when I was pouring the last few sips from a bottle of Coca Cola down the kitchen sink and noticed that the drain seemed to be running a bit slow.  I didn't see any debris or any other blockage in the sink to cause this issue, so I mentioned it to The Boss.  He indicated that he hadn't noticed the drain running slow, but would keep an eye on it. 

Fast forward a couple of weeks - others in the office have commented to me that they thought the drain was running slower than usual.  I told them I had informed The Boss, but I would mention it to him again.  Maybe I should save ourselves the pain of witnessing him attempt to pull the drain apart and just call a plumber myself - but what fun would that be?  I mentioned it again, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears.

Fast forward again to this morning, the morning after a long, holiday weekend.  The Boss arrived before anyone else and he had made the coffee (click here to read the coffee making process).  By 11 AM,  The Boss went in to get another cup and the pot was pretty much gone.  When he saw it was almost empty he took a quick poll wondering if he should make another pot (he asked everyone) and it was decided that another pot would be consumed by the end of the day.  This is where the reason for the slow running drain problem quickly became crystal clear.

I witnessed this with my own peepers.  He took the coffee pot apart and proceeded to dump the coffee grounds, not in the garbage like a normal person, but down the kitchen sink drain!  He then turned on the faucet and made sure every ground made in down that drain.  As I am watching him do this, I am flabbergasted at what I am seeing; who in their right mind dumps coffee grounds down the drain when the garbage can in right there?  No wonder the sink is running slow - the drain is chock full of coffee grounds.  Damn, the plumber is going to love this (if and when he ever calls one).

It was after watching this display that I mentioned the slow running drain once again to him - maybe this time he would listen and act accordingly.  As he is filling the carafe and standing at a distance to see if it has the perfect amount of water, I say, "hey, did you see how slowly that drain is running?"  When I tell you his response, you are going to think I am lying, but I swear I am not.  He said, " I did notice it this morning, but I cannot imagine what could be causing it."  He then said that maybe he would take it apart later this week and check it out.  Oh, goody...there is going to be a water show at The Nuthouse later in the week.  Tickets are on sale now!

Yup, as the meme for this post suggests - stupid does not realize stupid!

Thursday, July 2, 2020

What A Week!

This is the PERFECT description of my week!  Somehow it always seems that the shorter weeks seem to last the longest. I have always felt this way and working in The Nuthouse has done nothing to change that belief.

I am happy to report that all employees followed the instructions The Boss posted next to the thermostat (click here for story) and refrained from touching and/or turning it off.  It was a comfortable 80 degrees when I arrived this morning.  The Boss seemed to be in better spirits, but I am sad to report that the cover for the thermostat remains on the floor in the corner of the office. I wonder how long it will remain there?  I will keep you updated on its status next week.

The Boss was out of the office for a large part of day and I think many companies may have started their long weekend a bit early because the office was quieter than usual....not that I am complaining.  We had pizza delivered and we enjoyed a long lunch.  It was nice to catch up and hear everyone's plans for the long weekend.  The Boss came back around 3 PM and told everyone to go home and enjoy their long weekend.  I hope he doesn't feel the need to call me tomorrow morning to remind me that we have the day off (click here for story).

Enjoy the long weekend Nutties!  Be safe and remember to check for poop before performing and vacuuming (click here for story)!  See you soon!

Wednesday, July 1, 2020

The Boss vs. The Office Thermostat

Stories are told about offices across the country where employees disagree about what the optimal temperature should be.  Some people are inherently cold and would like the office to be a bit warmer; then you have those individuals who think a meat locker should be a bit cooler.  Fortunately for us, we do not have that problem in our office; everyone seems to agree on the same ambient temperature. This is where our story begins....

We all know how a thermostat works - you set it to a desired temperature and in the case of summer, the air conditioner will run until that programmed temperature is achieved.  For some unknown reason, I'm not sure The Boss has totally grasped this simple concept.  Our area of the country has been hot and humid recently - welcome to July!  The Boss has programmed the thermostat in our office to be 80 degrees during working hours and during non-working hours (and weekends), the temperature rises to 90 degrees (he is trying to save $).  Up until recently, the air conditioner has not had to run very often, but now with the heat and humidity, it is a necessity.

The Boss was already in the office when I arrived this morning and I noticed he looked annoyed.  I also noticed as soon as I entered the door that it was hotter than hell in the office.  I said good morning, put my Coca-Cola in the fridge and asked what was going on with the air conditioning.  He said that he worked late last night and turned it off at around 6 PM and must have forgotten to turn it back on.  WTH???  I mentioned that I thought the temperature setting changed to 90 degrees beginning at 5 PM.  His response was one for the record books.  He said, at 6 PM it was still 82 degrees; he thought it wasn't working correctly, so he must have turned it off.  I commented that since it was 82 degrees, the air conditioner was working correctly for the evening setting.  Did he think the temperature shot up to 90 degrees at 5:01 PM?  He then said his famous line when he doesn't like what you are saying, "I don't need an editorial."  Yup, right there it was crystal clear - The Boss didn't know how a programmable thermostat worked!

Throughout the day, he would constantly come out of his office to check the office temperature.  He would then sigh loudly and return to this desk.  Now remember, the air had some catching up to do because it was off all night.  Each time he came out and saw it hadn't reached the programmed 80 degrees he would manually override the programmed info and hit the temperature down button.  He must have done this a dozen times!  He actually thought by lowering the temperature it was going to make the area cool off quicker!  Yup, I was shaking my head too.

By lunchtime, the air conditioner was still playing catch up and we had achieved a temperature of 83 degrees in the office (almost there!), but this latest information check just set The Boss off completely.  He actually had a temper tantrum in front of the thermostat; he stomped his feet and then ripped the cover completely off  the thermostat.  It flew across the room and bounced off the opposite wall.  Yup, that will definitely help the area cool down faster!   I'm beginning to think we may need a "time out" area in the office for certain individuals.

As the day drew to a close, the temperature finally reached the 80 degree mark.  As we were leaving for the day, The Boss came out of his office holding a piece of paper and some tape.  He walked over to the thermostat and began taping the piece of paper to the wall.  What did the paper say, you ask?




Now, that is RICH!  I laughed out loud, walked to my car and headed for home.  Is it Friday yet?

Monday, June 29, 2020

How Was Your Weekend? Mine? It Was Expensive!

I hope you all had a great weekend.  In my case, I think it may have been cheaper for me to have worked this weekend!  My Saturday started like any other Saturday - sleeping in a bit, getting up, feeding the boys and deciding what to do for the day.  I thought I would be nice and take Cooper for a walk before taking a shower and I knew he wouldn't mind if I didn't shower first.

We had a great walk and it was beautiful outside - pretty much a perfect day.  We played in the park, got some coffee (for me) and we were on our way back home for my shower and his nap.  When I arrived, I gave him some fresh water and went to take a shower.  After my shower, I realized that I needed to vacuum.  Actually, with these two fur balls, I could (and should) vacuum every day.  I have mostly hardwood floors and there is always a fur tumbleweed going by - even right after I am finished vacuuming.

I cranked up the music and begin my vacuum routine.  Yes, I have a routine that I follow - I'm not weird, just particular (stop judging me).  First, I hit all of the un-carpeted floors, then I will go back and clean the throw rugs.  I have a large one under my dining room table and a one in the living room area.  I finished the hardwoods and I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel - once I finish these two big rugs, I am free of responsibility for the rest of the day!  The weekend is my oyster to do whatever I want!

As I head to the rug under the dining room table, a awesome song comes on and I immediately know this weekend is going to be great.  I start singing along and even maybe performed a couple of dance steps.  Then.... I smell it - the undeniable smell of poop!  I look around and am confused, I just vacuumed everywhere and didn't see anything; where could this smell be coming from?  As quickly as that thought entered my mind, I realized the answer - there was sh*t on the dining room rug and during my singing and dancing routine, I vacuumed right over it.  Before my realization  I continued to push and pull the vacuum across the rug, totally smearing it EVERYWHERE! 

Now, I don't know from whom the shit originated because by the time I actually found it, I could not identify it as cat or dog.  The shit had now become one with not only my vacuum but also my very expensive rug!  I immediately turned the vacuum off and surveyed the damage - and it was extensive!  There was poop all over the roller brush of the vacuum and in the dirt holder.  The rug was not in any better shape; it had more skid marks than a young boy's underwear!  I donned a mask (they are not only good for coronavirus) and went in to try and clean the rug - it was a battle I knew I never had a chance to win.  After about an hour of trying, I waved the white flag of surrender.  Next was the vacuum; it didn't look so bad, I thought I had a chance of saving it.  I took it apart and cleaned it up (gross) and did the best I could to make it whole again.  I put everything back together and started it up.  As soon as it started, all I could smell was sh*t!  I looked again and confirmed that I had gotten it all cleaned off and let it run for about 15 more minutes (I hoped maybe it just needed to blow the shit smell out).  The smell never stopped blowing out of every vent of that damned machine.  Yup, poop had claimed not only the expensive rug, but also the vacuum.  All I see know is red and dollar signs.

Well, guess what I did with the rest of my Saturday?  That's right, rug and vacuum shopping!  It was an expensive weekend and I still don't know which one of those little assholes to blame!  I know it wasn't me...I was in the shower!  Hope you week isn't as shitty as mine started out as! 

Until next time....

Thursday, June 25, 2020

The Fire Marshal Visited Today

As I have discussed previously, we are located in an area that doesn't see any foot or vehicle traffic.  If you are unlucky enough to find yourself driving down our pot-hole filled, weed and tress growing over a dirt road, you are either an employee here, a truck or delivery driver or you are looking for a place to be murdered and never found again.  What I am trying to say is that we don't have very many visitors.

That changed today when a large man came through our front door.  I'm sure the group thought that maybe he worked for a trucking company and was looking to obtain our business.  Nope, as he looked around the front office, he commented on and said hello to Frick and Frack and then asked to see the owner of the building.  The Boss overheard our conversation and came out of his office, chest puffed out, stating he was the owner and how could he help him.  The man then introduced himself as the Fire Marshal for the town.  Well, with those few words, the demeanor of The Boss changed IMMEDIATELY!

All of a sudden, there was no chest puffing and he began to stammer a bit as he replied.  The Fire Marshal said he wanted to welcome us to the neighborhood.  He then asked to walk through the building with The Boss to make sure everything was up to code and we had all the necessary equipment and signage.  I actually watched as the The Boss turned a whiter shade of pale standing there next to this man. What the hell is this all about? It looks like The Boss had seen a ghost!

I cannot explain the strange behavior of the The Boss.  I had no worries that we would perform well during this "inspection" - what the hell was spooking The Boss so badly.  My god, you would think we were cooking meth in the back or something.   Then I remembered his painting outfit which had resembled something that Walter White would wear in Breaking Bad - god, I hope they don't stumble across that during the inspection.  His nervous behavior paired with that outfit would definitely guarantee that our next visitor would be from the police department.

The Boss and the Marshal toured the building and it was over in about 15 minutes.  He told us we needed some chemical signage on the outside of the building as well as the company name and building number; that way fire officials could easily find us and have an idea of dangerous building contents.  Yes you read that correctly, we do not have a company sign indicating our name on the building (you can't be surprised by that after all the things I have told you so far). 

The Fire Marshal gave us two weeks to make the changes/additions and he indicated he would be back to follow up.  He and The Boss shook hands and he was on his way.  I have placed an order for the chemical signage and it should be here early next week.  The Boss said he has to "think about" how he wants to handle the sign containing the company name - he doesn't really want anyone to know we are here.  No, don't let anyone know that a company is here, let's definitely keep it a secret.  We will become so much more successful if we are incognito and no one knows about us!

This place is NUTS!

Now for some unsolicited television advice - I just found out that on July 1st Netfilx will be carrying all three seasons of Kingdom.  Now, I know, you never heard of Kingdom have you?  Kingdom was created by and shown on  DirecTV and it is not to be missed.  Set in Venice, CA, Kingdom follows the Kulina family; a family involved in MMA.  Don't worry, you don't have to like mixed martial arts to love this show - it is much more than a show about MMA.  It is dysfunctional, funny and tragic and so well written and acted.  It is a sin that it wasn't appreciated by more viewers. Trust me it's awesome and I can't wait to watch it again! 

Wednesday, June 24, 2020

The Boss Now Decides How Work Orders Are Filled

We were happy to find another large order waiting for upon our arrival today!  As I have mentioned, since we have been back to work, we have been quite busy and for that we are all grateful!  Not soon after the order arrival, we received a memo from The Boss - see a portion of it below:

To:  All Sales 
From: The Boss
Re:  Production
Date: 6/24/2020

It's kind of a good news bad news thing.  Everyone's efforts have produced great results in the last week, at the same time!  This has put the ball in Adam, Alex and Wayne's court.  History has shown that they are all more than capable of great production.  But in order for them to accomplish these tasks, I will be deciding the order that work orders will be filled and shipped.  If your customers are going to continue to receive the service they have grown to expect, it is essential that we make this change for the foreseeable future.  Therefore, do not go to the shop to inquire about your order, or whether anything else can go today or what is in stock.  Direct ALL inquires to myself or Nutty.  Inquiring of the shop can stop everyone from working on the very thing you are asking about and further delay its completion.  

According to need, the following priority of the orders received has been assigned as follows:


Up until this point, orders were pretty much filled as they arrived, unless someone requested a next day air package, etc.  If a small order were to arrive, in many instances one of the warehouse guys would get it together in between other larger orders so it didn't have to wait. 

Now, under the new process, when a work order is generated it goes directly to The Boss, rather than the warehouse.  He has his own clipboard and is constantly shuffling the sequence of the orders.  I am not exaggerating when I say, he must alter the sequence at least four times a day - and that's if no new orders arrive.  Did I also mention that each time he changes the sequence, he creates a new "master list" with the company name, items, etc.  This man kills more trees with his amended lists than anyone I have ever known. 

Once he has the amended list, he will then go and conference with the warehouse personnel about why he made the change.  Each conference averages about 20 minutes - in which production stops completely!  How in the name of everything holy does he think this process is helping to get orders done more efficiently?  Didn't he warn the salespeople in his memo about inquiries stopping production?  I know, the "rules" don't apply to him - but he is the major problem with production stoppage.

Now that he has assigned himself this new "task" I have heard him mention twice that he has been unable to get anything done.  Maybe if he was not amending the work order sequence, creating a new master list and killing trees like a damn madman he could get something accomplished!  FYI - only two orders were completed and shipped today.  This new process is going to be so wonderful and efficient (yes, I did roll my eyes after I typed this).

Tuesday, June 23, 2020

Number 101 Already?

Today marks the 101st posting in Observations From The Nuthouse!  It has been an interesting and enlightening experience to say the least.  What started out as a fun little project for me has evolved into a fun, bigger project that I think helps me avoid visits to a psychiatrist.  So, this blog is not only helping to heal my head but allowing me to keep co-payments in my wallet.  I'm sure Cooper and Milo could find some interesting toys to buy with those saved dollars.

As you know, this blog has allowed me to report the crazy things that occur during my working day.  Sometimes seeing The Nuthouse happenings in print evokes a bit of disbelief.  Often, as I am reading it back (and checking for spelling errors), I find it almost impossible to understand how anyone would not think that I am making this stuff up.  Rest assured, the things that occur in The Nuthouse are true and factual; I sometimes am sad to admit that they are not exaggerated or inflated in any way.  Like I said in one of my early posts, the names have been changed to protect the insane.

You might ask, what did I discover after writing 100 blog posts about a crazy workplace filled with equally crazy people?  I discovered that I enjoy sitting down and writing three or four times a week.  While in school I really loved writing, as I became older, I sadly have gotten away from it.  I have also discovered that I actually like and appreciate where I work.  Don't get me wrong, I still think the place is chock full of nuts; but that being said, I work with a bunch of really nice people.  I realized this during the time when we were all stuck working from home.  We would check in with each other, (yes, concerning work), but also just to make sure that everyone was okay and keeping it together.  Speaking of the quarantine, I never missed a paycheck, my health insurance didn't lapse and I continued to accrue vacation time!  Not many people can say they were not financially affected in some way due to COVID-19; I was not and for that I will always be eternally grateful.  The Boss did not have to continue to pay us all (and we would not have been surprised if he didn't), yet he said we were a team and we would come back and the company would be stronger than before.

I appreciate you taking this comedic journey with me.  I hope you have enjoyed the first 100 postings and were able to find some form of entertainment in them.  I also am hopeful that after reading about The Nuthouse you can see your place of employment in a new light and realize it might not be as nuts as you once thought.

Thanks again for spending some time with me and if you have any questions or comments, send them my way!  Until next time Nutties!

Monday, June 22, 2020

In Appreciation of My Dad

If I am to be perfectly honest, I lost track of the date and forgot Sunday was Father's Day.  I know, I know, I am an awful son.  Don't worry, I feel worse than your judgmental thoughts of me every could.  Due to this oversight, I didn't mail my Father's Day card in time for Sunday arrival (remember, my parents live a couple of time zones away).  I came clean to my Dad when we had our FaceTime call on Sunday.  When I apologized, he laughed and said, "I appreciate your cards when they arrive, but I wish you would just save your money and postage.  Don't you know cards are not necessary, I know you like me!"  With that comment, (yup, he did not say I loved him, only that I liked him), I realized where I got my warped sense of humor from; it was Dad.  One hundred percent, Dad!

I don't believe my Dad was close to his Dad - I'm not really sure, because he really didn't speak much about him.  His Dad (my Grandfather), passed away before I was born, so I never had the chance to meet him.  I was able to piece together that he was a tough man, who worked hard, but didn't have much time for his family.  My Dad inherited a strong work ethic, and even though he was always busy with work (my Mom was a "stay at home Mom"), I always remember him being around.  It's funny the things you remember about growing up as you get older and the little things you appreciate.

My Dad and I have always had a similar sense of humor.  I remember he used to make me laugh when I was little at the weirdest things.  We used to do things together on the weekends and as we would leave in his truck, he would say, "we are off like a heard of turtles" and then make some strange noise that he thought sounded like tires squealing (it didn't), but it always made me laugh.  I would "help" him in the garage (I'm sure I wasn't very helpful) and we would have lunch together.  Now, my Dad didn't like vegetables, hated them, in fact, but he always said he would try them if I would.  I grew up to love vegetables and he still hates them, except for corn and an occasional green salad. Even with his aversion to vegetables, he still is alive and kicking, so if you hate veggies, don't worry, it might work out for you too.

As I got older, I became a bit of a wise guy and always thought I had succeeded when/if I made my Dad laugh - even when my Mom would elbow him in the ribs and tell him to stop laughing at me.  Now, my Mom was funny, but unfortunately for her, not because she was trying to be.  This fact alone cemented my relationship with my Dad.  We have always loved to giggle at the things that Mom says or does.  She is used to it after all of this time, but when I was younger, she would get so pissed!  She would tell my Dad, "I cannot believe I birthed someone with your exact sense of humor!"

I have many things to thank my Dad for - working above and beyond to make sure I had everything I needed and wanted growing up.  For giving me the opportunity to make my own mistakes and not throwing them back in my face, or saying "I told you so" and for giving me a strong foundation of right and wrong.  I don't think kids are in my future (I like other people's kids, but do not want my own), but I know if I were to become a Dad someday, I am lucky to have parents that provided a great road map to follow for raising kids. I just would hope my spawn doesn't have the same sense of humor - god help my Mom if there were three of us!

It was nice spending some time with my Dad yesterday, even if it was via electronics.  He told me about his week, his big plans for Father's Day (a great western on TV) and what my Mom was cooking him for dinner (a big steak and no veggies).  All, in all it was a great talk; and most of the time I could see his entire face on the screen.

Thanks, Dad for everything and Happy Belated Father's Day to you and all the Dad's out there!

Friday, June 19, 2020

Some Final Thoughts For the Week

This meme says it all; it has been a loooonnnng week!  Just a couple of items to update you on the goings on at The Nuthouse.
  • The Boss mentioned once again that the bubbler seems very loud on Frick and Fracks watery home. What does this man have against two harmless fish?  I'm going have to keep them now just to annoy him!
  • We were informed on three separate occasions today that The Boss has to come in over the weekend to mow the lawn.  My hope is that the wildlife has eaten the food garbage he has thrown out in the grass.  I'm glad I will not be here to witness his lawn mowing attire.
  • Drew interrupted me today to inform me that he had the highest SAT score in his class.  He is such a wise ass!  I think he may have said it loud enough for Mike to hear, but I cannot be sure.
  • The Boss is still rockin' the beard and has started stroking it when he speaks to others.  I wonder if he thinks it makes him look sinister?
  • Not only does The Boss make coffee in the most annoying way possible (click here for refresher on coffee making 101); I have noticed that he fills his cup beyond full and attempts to walk across the room.  Yup, spills it every f'in time! 
  • I haven't heard the story yet, but clumsy Wayne sustained another injury at some point this week.  It wasn't bad enough to need emergency care or time off, but I heard it was an injury none the less.
To say I am looking forward to the weekend is an understatement!  Have a great weekend Nutties; be safe, be kind, have fun and keep washing those hands!  Talk to you on Monday! 

Wednesday, June 17, 2020

Well, Someone Thinks Quite A Lot of Himself

It has been apparent for some time now that a certain person in The Nuthouse thinks quite highly of himself.  No, I am not referring to The Boss (although, he does hold that belief too).  In this case, I am referring to our in-house, come over to team god, salesperson Mike.  Mike has been with the organization the longest and is under the strange impression that longevity is somehow equivalent to intelligence.

Mike is a funny bird, since is under the impression that he has a high level of intelligence, he has a tendency to speak down and be demeaning to others.  As you can imagine, this type of behavior doesn't go over well in a small company.  I wish I could post some of the emails that he sends to current and potential customers.  There are numerous spelling errors (yes, he will utilize spell check, but I think he has added the incorrectly spelled words to "his dictionary" so now the program just ignores them), he doesn't know where to use a comma or realizes that a sentence needs a period to end.  It is just ugly and honestly isn't a good look for the organization.  The ironic thing is that Mike has told me on more than one occasion that he achieved the highest SAT score in his entire class.  I am curious what that "class" consisted of thus allowing him to obtain the highest score, but that topic is something to investigate at a later time (my money is on a class of monkeys or donkeys).

In the past, I have not said much about his sh*tty communication style because I didn't think anyone really noticed (my excellent hearing and sensitive "bullshit meter" is a curse), but it all changed today after Mike left his office for lunch.  He had no more than cleared the front door when Drew says under his breath, (but actually loud enough for everyone to hear), "what exactly is wrong with that f'in guy?"  I immediately knew what he was talking about and I laughed out loud.  It was on like Donkey Kong -  a long roasting of Mike while he was away from the office.

Drew told the story of how Mike has a habit of acting like he is his boss.  He will frequently ask questions about upcoming jobs or if certain orders have gone out the door.  Drew said initially he thought he was just being friendly, but quickly learned that there was more to it than just being nice. He said he has now taken to just ignoring him and fortunately, Mike will lose interest and move to something else.

Rachel told a similar story, but added that Mike had gone around her and contacted her customer directly to discuss an upcoming order they were going to place.  She said after discovering the contact, she met with Mike privately and asked why he would do such a thing and Mike responded that he thought she didn't give the customer the correct product.  When she pointed out that she had, he backtracked a bit and said he was just looking out for the customer.  She told him to stay away from her customers otherwise she was going to take it up with The Boss. She thinks it may have worked, because she hasn't noticed any interference lately.

I then told them my favorite Mike story; the story that still makes me laugh when I think of it.  It happened not soon after I started here as a mere temporary worker.  I heard him speaking on the phone and he stated that "when all was said and done, he wanted to leave this earth having made a mark in this industry."  Now, I know that I have been very vague about what we do here. We are a manufacturer of products and nothing more.  What we do is important, but in the great scheme of things is not going to change the world.  I don't foresee a day when future generations are sitting around and discussing the positive and life altering things that Mike accomplished while he was working at The Nuthouse.  My god, you are not Steve Jobs; get over yourself!  The only mark you will be leaving behind are skid marks in your skivvies!

I have a feeling that there will be more office stories of Mike being discussed between the employees in the future.  Sometimes us The Nuthouse employees get tired of just discussing The Boss - you know what they say, variety is the spice of life.

Have a great night Nutties!

Monday, June 15, 2020

Facial Hair Styles Are Changing At The Nuthouse

To appreciate my story for today, I must bring you back in time approximately one month ago.  This is when the weird, way back music would play and the TV screen would show wiggly lines....picture it if you will, one month ago in The Nuthouse.

As I have mentioned on more than one occasion, it is clear to me (and others that I work with) that The Boss likes Drew; so much so, that sometimes I think he wants to be him.  Since Drew has been employed by The Nuthouse we have all noticed The Boss making attempts to seem more "manly" and he is more apt to do things with his hands and tools.  I thought that was where the "hero worship" ended, but I underestimated is complete admiration.  One month ago Drew arrived in the morning and it looked as if he had forgotten to shave.  Possibly he was running late, who knows.  As the week progressed, he continued his unshaven look and we quickly realized that he wasn't lazy, he was just growing a beard.  Rachel (of course) made numerous positive comments about his new facial hair - how nice it looked, how it made him look distinguished, how quickly it was growing in, etc.  Clearly, Drew's spittoon of tobacco and wedding ring isn't decreasing Rachel's crush.

Fast forward to this morning; I arrived and The Boss was already in his office.  At second glance, I noticed that he clearly had more than a five o'clock shadow on his face.  Did The Boss not shave this weekend?  If so, why didn't he shave for work this morning?  Then it hit me like a lighting bolt - oh my f*cking god, he is growing a beard just like Drew did!  As soon as Rachel arrived and noticed it  she made sure to comment on it.  The Boss played it off as if this was something he does all the time and that he had been thinking about doing it for quite a while now.  I cannot wait to see how long this will last.  I want to ask Drew to grow his beard long like Santa and see if The Boss follows suit, although  I don't think I could convince him to do it.  I'll keep you updated!

Oh, with all of the new grooming habits of The Nuthouse, I almost forgot - reaction to Frick and Frack.  The Boss didn't mention a word about them until about 3PM today.  He came out of his office and acted as if it was the first time he had noticed them (my god, he is NUTS).  He asked where they came from and who was taking care of them.  He then commented that the bubbler was very loud and he could hear it in his office.   Now, I'm sure he could hear the bubbler when he arrived this morning and he was the only person in the entire building; but once the office is up and running, it makes no more noise than the fan on my laptop. After he left for the post office, I asked the salespeople if they could hear it/or it was bothering them; they laughed and said they didn't even notice it.  Again, I say, he is f*cking NUTS!

I can tell you that our mascots are quite popular already.  Not only do the employees like having them around, visitors to the office do too.  We had a trucking representative stop in today and Frick and Frack was quite a hit.  I don't think The Boss appreciated their newfound popularity.  Oh well, we can't all be well liked. Hopefully he will warm up to them soon.

Friday, June 12, 2020

The Nuthouse Has Two New Mascots

For the most part, the middle part of this week has been fairly quiet and surprisingly uneventful.  Did I mention that The Boss has been out of the office for the past few days?  I wonder if this could be the reason for such a calm and quiet office environment?  I don't know...I'm just wondering if there is some sort of correlation between the two.

The employees of The Nuthouse have been enjoying this Boss Free time.  Business continues to improve and we are really quite busy; orders continue to come in and materials continue to go out the door.  Our sales this year might not be as poor as we were anticipating considering all the time we were shut down and working from home.

When I arrived home last night, I felt a surge of ambition and decided to clean out a closet that was full of crap.  You know, everyone has that one closet in their home that seems to be the Bermuda Triangle of stuff.  I don't really know how everything gets in there, but once it does, the stuff doesn't like to leave quietly. During my expedition, I found a small, desk sized fish tank in the back corner of the closet.  It was octagon shaped and held almost two gallons of water.  It was complete with rocks for the bottom and a bubblier so the fish received air.  I am embarrassed to say I had never even taken it out of the box, but once I saw it, I knew exactly where it belonged....on my desk at The Nuthouse!

This morning, I arrived a little early for work and began its set up on the corner of my desk.  As my cohorts filtered in for the day, they were quite interested in my newest desk decoration and seemed excited to have some fish in the office.  After setting it up, I ran to the pet store and purchased two small fish, some fish food, a net and some drops to take chlorine out of water.   I brought my haul back to The Nuthouse and introduced our new mascots not only to our crazy group but also to their new home.

We had pizza and wings brought in for lunch.  We figured today would be our last day without The Boss in the office, so we might as well live it up!  Over lunch, I called an impromptu staff meeting to discuss names for our new mascots.  Some of the names that my fellow employees came up with were awesomely hilarious, but NSFW.  So we settled on "Frick" and "Frack" - these names seemed to not only fit the fish, but also the nutty environment I had brought them into.

Welcome to The Nuthouse Frick and Frack - I cannot wait to hear what The Boss has to say about you two!

Tuesday, June 9, 2020

I Never Realized Coffee Could Be So Complex!

Today a new addition was added to the kitchen - a coffee maker donated by The Boss.  Many of the employees stop on the way to the office and pick up a daily cup of coffee.  God knows, without caffeine, this place might even be nuttier.   The Boss said his wife upgraded their machine at home and since he thought it might get some use here, he brought it in.  He also provided coffee, sugar and half and half.  I, myself do not drink coffee (I think it smells like ass); I prefer a good ole Coca Cola in the AM to get my motor running.  Hey, stop creates the same end result and it doesn't smell like ass!  All the coffee drinkers in the office were excited with the addition and couldn't wait to get their "java on".  The Boss offered to make the first pot and it was then that the insanity began!

As I said, I am not a coffee drinker, but I do have an idea of how to make coffee - water in the pot, coffee in the holder, click a button and viola ass smelling liquid.  As you have realized by now, The Boss makes every task he performs a bit more involved and difficult than it needs to be and true to form, making coffee was no exception.  First, he filled the pot from the sink in the kitchen.  I then watched as he put the water filled carafe on the counter and took approximately five big steps back from it.  He then crouched down level with the carafe and squinted.  After doing this, he went back in the kitchen and dumped a bit of water down the drain.  He then repeated the steps backing away and the crouching once again, then returning to the carafe.  This time he must have taken too much water out, because he proceeded to add additional water.  Hand to my heart when I tell you he did this song and dance two additional times!  Once he had determined he had the exactly perfect amount of water, he added it to the pot and proceeded to add the coffee grounds.  He flicked the on switch and the liquid started to brew.

Everyone in the sales office watched this display in complete and utter confusion, horror and morbid curiosity.  Immediately some questions came to mind - who makes coffee this way?  Was he possibly doing this just to mess with us?  Does he make coffee this way at home? And, if so, why hasn't his wife buried him in the basement yet?  The coffee drinkers reported that it tasted great - I think they are just happy to have coffee available the entire day.  I, on the other hand, am not looking forward to the coffee song and dance every time he makes a pot.  Maybe I will learn how much coffee is needed for a pot and just make it myself - for the sake of my quickly deteriorating sanity.

Cheers Nutties!

Monday, June 8, 2020

I Saw It With My Own Eyes & I Still Don't Believe It!

You know the saying, "I wouldn't have believed it unless I saw it with my own eyes"?  Well, this old-fashioned saying rang quite true for me today.  This morning, I arrived a bit early to The Nuthouse as I had some paperwork I wanted to finish up before the warehouse staff arrived.  When I drove down the pot hole filled road (which by the way, is just getting worse by the day) and turned into our parking lot, I saw my biggest fear, The Boss was already there.  I actually heard myself exhale loudly.  Damn, don't you just hate it when that happens?

As I entered the office, I could see The Boss was finishing up some breakfast - a banana and an apple.  We said our good mornings, I turned my computer on and began my day.  The next thing I notice, The Boss is carrying his banana peel and apple core around.  Now, I thought he was putting it into the kitchen garbage, but no, that would be logical.  Instead, he walked to the front door, opened it up and threw the peel and core into the grassy area next to the walkway.  WTF!

When he returned, I must have had a confused look on my face, because he asked if I was okay.  I asked if he had thrown that garbage on the lawn and he quickly (and proudly) replied "yes".  Now, keep in mind, this is the man who has forged an all-out war on not only geese, but also bees that live in that same grassy area!  When I commented that I thought he was trying to keep wild animals off  the grass and away from the building, he said that the animals that are "out to get him" do not eat that kind of stuff.  I immediately thought - maybe the geese and bees are not interested in peels and cores, but I'm sure mice and rats might be.

Fast forward to when The Boss made his daily trek to the post office and bank.  I reported my story to Rachael and Drew and those two actually thought I was lying.  Is it their first day here?  Do they not know the stranger the Nuthouse tale, the more likely it is to be true?  So, I lead both their unbelieving asses outside to where the banana peel and apple core rested from being tossed this morning.  My two co-workers just shook their heads in confusion, said nothing and went back to their desks.   Maybe I will start a pool - what will occur first; new wildlife attracted to the "grass garbage" or The Boss complaining about the "grass garbage" when he mows the lawn?

Yup, The Nuthouse never disappoints!  Good times, good times!  Happy Monday!

Thursday, June 4, 2020

An Update From The Nuthouse

I thought I might update you on some of the goings on at The Nuthouse.  I don't really have a "big story" to tell today - it was a quiet and non-eventful day (it does happen every once in a while).  Here are just the facts ma'am!

  • My eyeball is only providing me a personal light show a few times a day now.  It is still weird when it happens, but it is good to know it's nothing serious....just me closer to death!
  • The bruises on my face, legs and foot are almost gone.  The one half of my toenail is still attached, so I am sure I will be catching that bitch on a sock or bed sheet soon and ripping it clean off.  Definitely, not looking forward to that at all!
  • The geese are still using the grassy area near our pond as their own personal Hedonism Resort. They are not social distancing; they don't wear masks and I think they are having unprotected sex.  I am so looking forward to their offspring visiting our shores soon and the chaos it will create.
  • The bees seem to have retreated and are waving the white flag of surrender.  The Boss is very proud of himself and actually seems to be walking around a bit taller than usual.  This man is proud to have won against, his life must be full of disappointment.
  • Orders continue to pour into the offices and the warehouse staff is doing a great job of getting everything out the door in a timely manner. Great job guys!
  • I am sure of it now - Rachel no longer has the hots for Drew.  As I mentioned before, I think his spit cup of tobacco was the nail in his coffin.  A love story that never had a chance to bloom.
  • Speaking of coffins - is the TV show, What We Do in The Shadows on your must watch list?  If not, check it out...hilarious stuff!
  • Mike and Wayne had a religious pow-wow today.  I hope it isn't recruitment time again already
  • The Boss went to the bank today and came back with a new plastic chair mat for himself.  He purchased it at Office Max and it came flat (it wasn't rolled up).  I guess he must have gotten tired of one wheel of his chair falling in the melted hole he created with the heat gun.  He just took the melted one to the warehouse, never to be seen or spoken of again.
  • I heard The Boss call for a dumpster today.  God Bless F'in America!  There is so much garbage and debris piled in the corner of the warehouse that I am convinced it will take someone forever to transport it all to a dumpster.  I hope he told them to come the next day for a garbage pickup.  Of course, he didn't, who am I kidding.
Until next time Nutties!  Have a great evening!

Wednesday, June 3, 2020

The Wildlife Continues Its "Attack" On The Boss

It was a sunny and warm day in the Nuthouse neighborhood today. The birds were singing and the geese were roaming, much to the disgust of The Boss.  The wildlife really seems to enjoy our quiet location and today was no exception.  

When returning from lunch, I noticed a hole in the ground that had bees arriving and departing like Grand Central Station.  It was located to the right of the walkway into our main entrance.  I just walked by, went into the office and then made the mistake of mentioning what I saw in the vicinity of The Boss.

Although, he claimed, “he was so busy, he couldn’t see straight”, he had to investigate these bees!  Next thing I know he going outside to watch this hole at least, every ten minutes.  I then watch as he goes outside and proceeds to use his foot to cover the bee hole with dirt.  Anyone who knows anything about bees can attest that this is NOT a good idea.  These bees were now very ANGRY.  He goes outside, yet again, to wave his sport jacket around because the angry bees are flying about like crazy.  Could this be because a giant just stepped and crushed their doorway and tried to bury them alive?  Some time passes and he once again fills up the hole, that had reopened, with additional dirt. 

He finally seems to have lost interest and decided that his time as an apiarist was done.  I guess the bees were no longer bothering him.  I must admit, the employees have watched this display with morbid interest (will he get stung?  If so, how many times?), but one thing is now quite apparent; no one can leave the building through the main door tonight unless they are wearing a bee keepers outfit.  

Oh, no!  He comes Fed Ex into the parking lot with a late delivery and of course the delivery driver is painfully unaware that he will be walking by a location teeming with angry bees.  Before we were able to warn him, he ran up the walkway and was stung three times!  We signed for the delivery and I escorted the driver out another door – safely away from the bees.  I felt badly that we weren’t able to warn him in time, but I also failed to disclose that our leader was cause of the aggressive bee situation.

Now, the best part -I returned to my desk and The Boss emerges from this office to state he couldn't understand why the bees attached the Fed Ex driver.  HE IS INSANE!

Monday, June 1, 2020

I Think My Body Is Rejecting Me

I didn't make it into the Nuthouse today.  No, I wasn't enjoying a leisurely day at the park or spending the day doing something fun.  I was calling around trying to make an appointment with an ophthalmologist.  Let's go back to Sunday, late afternoon. 

I was enjoying my Sunday and preparing myself for another week at the Nuthouse when I started seeing black squiggly lines starting from the corner of my left eye and traveling across my eyeball like they were marching in a parade.  This lasted approximately 45 minutes and was done.  I thought it was weird, but everyone gets "floaters" sometimes, so I didn't think too much about it.  About an hour later it looked like I was watching shooting stars out of the corner of my left eye.  So, I moved from squiggly black floaters to my very own shooting star show, cool!  There was no pain involved, but something made me think this might not be good. The light show continued intermittently throughout the evening and I knew I needed to find an eye doctor.

I sent an email to The Boss, letting him know that I was going to be staying home on Monday.  I told him about my eye and that I was going to be getting an appointment to have someone look at it.  I then spent some time making a list to find a doctor that my insurance would cover.  I found a few and made plans to call them first thing Monday morning.

I made my calls right after getting up (yup, I even slept in) and I was able to get a same day appointment after I spoke with a triage person (that really made it sound ominous).  My appointment was at 2 PM and they reminded me to bring a mask.

I arrived with my mask, insurance card and identification.  They had to take my temperature prior to entering the building and once it was deemed that I was not running hot, I was allowed in.  I filled out the paperwork and sat waiting to see if my eye was going to be joining my toe in failing me.  They dilated my eyes and looked in them (I hate that, eyes in general give me the heebie geebies).  The doctor then spent some more time also looking in my peepers and said he had good news.

He brought out a diagram of an eye ball and told me I had a vitreous detachment.  This is not serious; it just happens as you get OLDER!  Did this man just call me old?  Now, the jelly sac in my eye ball is pulling slowly pulling away and causing me to see floaters and shooting stars!  He said I should be prepared for it to happen in the other eye too.  Sometimes it happens within a few months to a few years.  I really wasn't paying attention at this time; I was still smarting from the comment that this happens as you get older.  I heard a quote recently that is very appropriate for today - "Getting old is not for the faint of heart!"  Yup, first the toe and now an eye - what part on my body is going to next?

Doctor said no restrictions, just to call if it gets worse or if my vision starts to shade over.  I guess it's back to the Nuthouse tomorrow.

Friday, May 29, 2020

I Am Happy To Report, Today Is Friday!

For those of you not keeping track - today is Friday!  It has been a long week, even though we only worked four days.  Doesn't it always seem to be that way, you have a Monday off and the subsequent week seems like it is at least eight days long.

For those wondering, I am healing up nicely from Squirrel-Gate and I even took Cooper for a walk last night.  It was a short one, but a walk none the less.  Yes, I made sure I wore "real" shoes this time - no more flip flops when we go on our jaunts. The lower part of my face and knees are turning a strange shade of yellow/green, so I think I should be back to normal soon enough.

Work has been busy, which has been great.  It's nice to see business improving after all that has gone on.  We all appreciate how lucky we are!  Speaking of luck, The Boss has been preoccupied with some things outside of the office, so he hasn't really been around that much. It's a good thing that he hasn't been around because those geese have been crazy and their numbers seem to increase every day.  I think the geese that normally live on Hobbes Street are been tired of social distancing and said, "screw it, let's have a party - every day!"  They just jump over and around the strings that The Boss and the warehouse guys strung up in the hopes to keep them in the pond.  Some geese are even so brazen, I have seen them pulling up the small stakes that were put in the ground to wrap the strings around (these must be the geese that cannot handle their garlic).  These geese are clearly bad asses!  Maybe The Boss should think twice before he continues to wage war against them.

If you remember, Drew, Rachel and myself are all in one large area of the office.  Don't worry, everyone is still getting along, but I don't think Rachel is as flirty with Drew as she once was.  I think the mystic around Drew has been lifted.  Maybe it is the fact that he spits tobacco constantly into a paper cup?  I think that would turn off most normal woman, but his wife must not mind it.  I wonder if he keeps those "spit cups" around his house too?  Just questions that float through my mind sometimes when I am bored.

It is a full work week next week, hopefully it will not seem as long and drawn out as this week did.  I have a feeling that The Boss will be around more next week (we wouldn't be lucky enough for two weeks without him around).  The lawn also needs to be mowed again, so that is definitely something to look forward to.  I bet he will be adding waders to his normal mowing attire to combat the goose guano.

Right now, I am watching the DropKick Murphys perform their live concert Streaming Outta Fenway Park in Boston.  Enjoy your weekend and we will meet back here on Monday!

Tuesday, May 26, 2020

I Hobbled To Work Today

After my long weekend from hell, I have to admit, I was happy to be going back to work.  Maybe a change in scenery would help bring me a bit of better luck.  Although I was no longer bleeding, when I looked at my injuries this morning, I have to admit, it was a bit shocking.  Most of the blood was gone, but replaced with bruising - and a lot of it!  My chin was now purple up to and including the right side of my lip, both my knees had bruising and all my toes as well as the entire top of my foot was now the strangest shade of greenish purple I had ever seen.  No folks, this color was not one to be found in the Crayola crayon set!

We do not have a dress code at The Nuthouse because 99.9% of our interactions with customers are via phone and email.  So, we have no one to impress here at the Hobbes Street location.  That being said, I always try and dress business casual.  Today, my definition of business casual included flip flops.  There was no way in hell a shoe was fitting over this wrapped, swollen, purple foot and toe, nor did the thought of trying to stick it in an enclosed shoe interest me in the least.  So, it was a button-down oxford, a nice pair of Bermuda khaki shorts and flip flops (business on the top, beach on the bottom).  If I do say so myself, I still looked better than how some people come into the office....I won't mention any names.

I drove to work and was not looking forward to having to explain why I looked so damn handsome today.  I arrived and what is the first thing I see.....geese and lots of them.  They are all over the grassy area near our door and leading up to the pond.  Not only are there large geese, but some are a bit smaller in size - it almost looks like their children are visiting too.  Oh, this is not going to go over well when The Boss arrives.  I guess these geese enjoy a good string art display and love noshing on garlic!  I'm glad to see all of his work to keep them away are working so well.

I made it into the office and one by one as my coworkers arrived the looks on their faces were hilarious.  Most, immediately asked what the hell happened to me and if I was alright.  After everyone settled in, I entertained them with my tale of woe and pulled my foot out from under my desk to show the real damage.  That's when the looks turned to horror.  I guess my cut and bruised chin was one thing, but once they saw my knees and foot which were initially hidden from view, they were shocked to say the least.

The Boss arrived by late morning and by that time everyone was used to seeing my battered and bruised exterior. When The Boss walked in he was already bitching about the geese and he said he could tell they were crapping everywhere.  Everyone looked surprised that he hadn't mentioned my "new look".  Truth be told, he actually didn't even mention or notice my injuries until I got up after lunch to use the photocopier.  Wow, he is one observant individual!

I am happy to report, I survived my first day back after the long weekend.  I entertained my co-workers with my squirrel-gate story and they not only laughed but were worried about me.  My toe, although bruised and battered is no longer throbbing or bleeding.  All in all, it was a good day!

Monday, May 25, 2020

That's the Last Time I Add a Day To My Three-Day Weekend!

You know what they say about the best laid plans.  I had taken Friday off to add another day to my three-day weekend.  For some crazy reason, I thought an extra day would be a wonderful and relaxing thing.  Boy, was I wrong!  I clearly should have worked on Friday and quite possibly the entire weekend to avoid what occurred.

As I had posted, my Friday was spent in technology hell with my Mom.  Nothing like trying to talk an older person through the process of how WiFi works in relation to a newly purchased television.  We got through it, unscathed for the most part.  I admitted to some eye rolling, but over the phone my Mom could not see that, so I made a bunch of good son points (worth it).  When I hadn't heard from her with any additional questions or problems, I broke down and called her on Saturday to check in.  She reported that the TV was set up in her bedroom (where there previously was a WiFi dead spot) and everything was working perfectly.  I'm not sure if it was just plain luck or if there ever really was an actual dead spot in that area of the house.  I don't know, but I am not poking the bear on this one.  I'm glad that it is working and she is very happy to be far away from the westerns being played out in the living room.

On Saturday, I ran some errands and met a couple of friends at their home.  Don't worry, we were all practicing proper social distancing.  It was just nice to see some other humans in person for a change.  We had a great dinner and drinks and I even got home at a decent hour.  Come to think of it Saturday as a great day and the high point of the long weekend.

On Sunday morning, I woke up and decided that I was going to enjoy some time outside (it was a beautiful day) and I hadn't really taken Cooper on a long walk since being stuck home in quarantine.  He and I both missed these walks and what better than a beautiful Sunday to enjoy one?  We had breakfast, I showered and got out his leash.  The mere sight of the red, woven tether sent Cooper into maximum overdrive.  He was soooo excited and he started jumping around and running to the door.  Now Milo just looked at him like he was an idiot and went back to sleep.  Truth be told, I bet Milo was happy too - that we were both leaving.  I grabbed some water, put on my flip flops and we were on our way!

We were about twenty minutes into our jaunt around town when the worm turned and Sunday turned into a shitty-assed day.  Picture this...sunshine on our shoulders, a slight breeze blowing through my hair (and his fur) and not too many people on the sidewalk...perfection!  Then out of nowhere, three grey squirrels begin chasing each other.  I must admit, I wasn't paying the closest of attention (did I mention the sun and the breeze), but don't you know, Cooper was right on top of it.  He saw these squirrels and I'm not sure if he thought he could climb a tree like they were or if he just thought running around like a squirrel looked like fun - but he took off like a bat out of hell.  Although, I didn't notice the squirrels before he did, I did have a iron-clad grip on his leash (you see where this is going).  When he took off, he took me with him.  I don't know exactly what happened, like they say in the happened so fast, but next thing I know I am sprawled out, face down on the sidewalk.  I still have the leash tight in my hand (protecting my buddy at all costs), but my flip flops are off my feet and I feel an immense pain shooting from my left foot.  I try and gather my thoughts and find my shoes; I sit up and feel a scrape on my chin (which is a bit bloody), two scrapped knees, they are not really bloody, just oozing a bit. That's when I see it, why my left foot hurts so badly.  My left foot is COVERED in blood; I take my water bottle and pour some water on my foot and I see the damage first hand.  On a positive note, it looks like two toes might be broken (yup, that's the good part).  The worst is that most of the toe nail on my big toe was just hanging there.  Just holding on for dear life and flapping in that breeze that I was so excited about just a few minutes prior.

As I mentioned, we were about twenty minutes into our walk when squirrel-gate occurred.  It took me almost forty-five minutes to get back home.  When I finally arrived, I dropped Cooper off, wrapped my foot and headed to an Urgent Care center to have the damage assessed by a professional.  After waiting almost an hour, I finally was seen by a PA who actually chuckled a bit when I told him how my injury occurred (a-hole).  He cut away the part of the nail that had ripped away from my toe and told me I also had only one broken toe - the other one was badly sprained.  He prescribed some antibiotic cream and told me to change the bandage every day on the big toe, but there was really nothing he could do for the broken or sprained toes (isn't modern medicine great)?  He said I was lucky to have a long weekend, because all I was going to be doing on Memorial Day was resting and elevating my f'd up foot.

Yeah, Memorial Day has been a blast! I say again, no more extending a three-day weekend for me!  Work is going to be fun tomorrow (in case you didn't realize that was said sarcastically)!

Sunday, May 24, 2020

The Nuthouse Has Infiltrated My Parents Home!

Allow me to preface this post by saying I love my Mom to the moon and back and I enjoy talking and helping her in any and all ways.  Just sometimes, she is as nuts as the rest of the mixed nuts I deal with....maybe it's me?  Plus, I think parent stories are hilarious!

As I have previously discussed, my parents live on the other side of the country.  We talk frequently by phone and now by FaceTime (serenity now!), so it is almost like I am there....almost.  Earlier this month, I was catching up with my Mom and she was complaining how my Dad constantly watches westerns on the television in the living room (and she also was quick to add that he plays the TV much too loud).  They have a TV in their bedroom, but it is in a WiFi dead spot of the house.  I have purchased them a WiFi extender (didn't really work) and asked her to move her router (she likes it where it is).  Unfortunately,  her entertainment of choice is watching movies on Roku and Amazon Prime - which  both require a strong WiFi connection.

I suggested that if she placed a TV in my old bedroom (which is closer to the location of the router) she might get a better WiFi signal and be able to watch what she wants.  I told her televisions were so inexpensive, it would be almost free to set up a "movie room" for herself.  She commended me on having such a good idea (why didn't she think of that, said asked) and she immediately started talking about how she didn't have an extra satellite box.  I reminded her that if she only watched things on Roku and Prime, she wouldn't need a satellite box for that - this TV would be for streaming only.  I should have realized right there that my life was going to get very complicated very soon, but I didn't even see it coming.

Fast forward to current time - I decided to turn my three-day Memorial Day weekend into a four-day event.  I was going to stay home on Friday and just chill out for the day.  My phone rang early in the morning and I immediately thought it was going to be The Boss - but it was my Mom.  She proudly told me that she had purchased a new TV and it had Roku already pre-loaded.  She was looking forward to hooking it up and being able to escape the loud wild west going on constantly in their living room.  She just wasn't sure how she was going to get the WiFi to the TV.  This was my first indication that my day off was not going to be relaxing.  I reminded her that WiFi did not need "wires" to work and that it will pick up the signal fine from my old bedroom.  She seemed to understand what I was saying and that is when she added that she was going to put the TV in her bedroom.

I think at this point, I cannot lie, I rolled my eyes a bit.  I said that she doesn't get a strong signal in that part of the house - that was why we talked about putting the TV in my old room.  Remember... having your own movie area, etc.  She again brought up the satellite box and not having one in my old bedroom. Serenity Now, Serenity Now!  I went over again how this was going to be for streaming only - Roku was pre-loaded and her Amazon fire stick could be plugged into one of the HDMI ports. She didn't ask me what an HDMI port was, but I have a feeling she was considering it.  She then asked if she could try it in her bedroom - maybe the signal will work better with this TV.

I told her anything was possible (always encourage, never discourage) and said it was worth a shot, she had nothing to lose.  I asked her not to unhook all of wires on her old TV (DVR, Satellite box, etc) until she was sure the Roku and Prime worked correctly.  I did this to stave off her forgetting where the wires for all her devices needed to go on the new TV.  I don't think I could handle that nightmare this weekend. She said that was a great idea and she hadn't thought of that.

We ended our call with me reminding her to make sure it worked for a couple of days - not just once, before switching everything over.  I even said to try it at different times of the day - but I don't think she was listening.  I think her brain was on overload trying to remember the things we discussed.  I then tossed a bomb I didn't even mean to do or realized I had.  I said, "if this works in your bedroom and you end up switching all of you equipment to the new TV, don't be surprised if you have to reprogram your satellite TV remote so it will work the box.   Immediately, there was complete silence on the other end of the phone.  I think I may have exploded her head with that comment.  Yup, I don't think this hell is over yet!

It is now Sunday morning and no additional calls....not sure if that is a good or a bad sign.

Thursday, May 21, 2020

Random Stories From the Nuthouse

Sometimes just sitting back to observe and listen while trapped in the Nuthouse provides more entertainment than one person should be allowed.  The past few days, I have come to realize that this shit just writes itself...enjoy!
  • The Boss has discovered, the hard way, that the metal roof on our building is hot during a sunny day.  For some reason he had to use a ladder to look on the roof (I cannot even venture a guess why), but the one time he does not don gloves to perform a simple task, he ends up burning his hands.  Sir, metal becomes hot when under sunlight all day (and also plastic will melt when subjected to a heat gun).  Could this be an introduction to thermal dynamics for him? 
  • We discovered that prior to this pandemic, The Boss had been having some work performed in his basement.  Last year there was a large spring rain storm and his basement obtained some water damage.  Luckily, the basement was not completely finished at the time, but some things were damaged and he wanted to make sure it didn't happen again    According to his description, he went "full man cave" and it turned out beautiful.  He said he had a sump pump installed (in case of another large rain storm), but we discovered that the water collected by the sump pump is not being automatically directed anywhere.  I know I was confused too!  The way I understand is, if/when it rains, he must go downstairs, hook a return hose to the pump and put the hose out the window.  This way any water sucked up by the pump will be deposited outside, thus protecting the man cave and its contents.  So, I guess he will have to keep a close eye on the weather and not leave home if a rain storm is predicted - otherwise his home may become an ark.
  • We have a programmable thermostat in the new building.  The Boss has tried on three separate occasions to set it up and has not been successful.  I am beginning to think he doesn't know how a thermostat actually works.  He is constantly "adjusting" it throughout the day.  Yesterday, I counted eight separate trips to raise and/or lower the temperature.  I see a new game on the horizon once summer is here....something to look forward to.
  • The Boss asked Drew to join him outside to take a look at the strings he and the warehouse guys had set up to deter the geese from coming on the grass (BTW - they are not working).  This review required them to walk in the grass, much of which had not been mowed.  About one hour after they came back in the office, Drew discovered a tick on his arm.  He did what any "normal" person would do - he removed it.  Then, he made the mistake of telling The Boss about it (sucker).  Well, The Boss had quite an extreme reaction to this information.  He started pacing around the office and after about 15 minutes, he said he had to go home and take a shower.  
Monday is a holiday, so we are looking at a three-day weekend!  I think tomorrow may be fairly quiet, so I am going to stay home and have a four-day weekend...yea me!  Enjoy your weekend Nutties!

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

Did You Know That Plastic and Heat Don't Mix?

We are settling in nicely to our new surroundings, but today The Boss attempted to burn the building down - just another Wednesday!  You know those heavy-duty plastic mats that you put on the floor to make your chair easier to roll?  Well, The Boss needed one so moving his chair would be not only easier, but also offer some protection to the carpeting below. 

We ended up placing an online order for six of them from our office supply store about a week ago.  This way everyone in the office and the receiving desk in the warehouse could move about freely.  We were happy to see that they arrived today - they were rolled up in boxes.  I passed them out and everyone unrolled and placed them under their chair.  Since they had been rolled, we all found something heavy to place on the corners of the mat to weigh it down.  We figured it would only take a day or two until they would lie flat on their own.

When I say "we all" I actually mean everyone except The Boss.  How could he waste the time to do what everyone else was doing?  He is The Boss and much smarter than us - he had a better idea!  I saw him walk into the warehouse and return with something that looked a bit like a drill, but I really didn't get a good look at it.  I went to his office and I quickly discovered that he not obtained a drill, but rather a heat gun from his warehouse trip.  He decided that he was going to use this heat gun to aid in the unrolling process.  From my previous experiences here, I knew this had disaster written all over it - it was just a matter of time!

He started by sitting in his chair, hunched over with the heat gun passing it back and forth over the rolled areas of the chair mat.  This went on for almost half an hour and to be honest, I didn't notice much improvement in the flatness of his mat.  I could tell that he was quickly losing interest in this task (A.D.D. anyone?) and I thought he was going to give up and follow the crowd by placing a heavy object in each corner of the mat.  I guess in that minute, I had forgotten where I work...

He exited his office and returned with four large books - but no, they were not for the corners of the mat, Nutties; they were to prop up the heat gun so he didn't have to hold it any longer.  After he arranged the heat gun on the books aiming it towards the rolled mat, he then walked out of his office and returned the warehouse (I would imagine to brag about his brilliant idea).  After about five minutes a peculiar smell enveloped the entire office area - it was clearly, melted, burning plastic.  I immediately ran into his office and saw his set up, but it looked a bit different than he originally left it.  Now his mat had a charred, circle shaped hole where the heat gun burned completely through.  Melted plastic had also dripped on the very carpet he was attempting to protect with said mat and there were black char marks on the top book.  I immediately unplugged the fire stick and waited for his return.  He came in from the warehouse and actually asked what the smell was - no one looked at each other or said a word.  He went in his office and found his mat, which now had a burned hole in the middle, and said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!  He then took the books and put them on the corners of the mat and went on with his day as if nothing happened. Fortunately for us it was a fairly nice today, because every window and door in that office had to be opened to allow the stench to dissipate.

On a side note, I have to admit, each time I hear him roll over the part of the mat with the burned hole and his one chair wheel falls in, I can barely contain my laughter.  I have a feeling this is going to amuse me for a while.  It's the simple things that keep me going!

Did I mention that we still do not have a dumpster on-site?  I also noticed today, that The Boss is now bringing his garbage in from home.  He brings it in the office and just adds it to the pile in the warehouse - WTF!

Monday, May 18, 2020

Serenity Now! Serenity Now!

Welcome to another Monday, Nutties!  When we last left the Nuthouse, the lawn was being mowed by The Boss, who was almost unrecognizable in his array of safety equipment.  When I arrived this morning, the first thing I noticed was not all the lawn (which isn't very large) had been mowed.  It looked like a little over half had been completed.  I knew there was going to be quite a story behind this - should I save myself, run back to my car and just drive home?  Nope, I am tough....I continued to the front door and walked right in.  I'm sure I will be regretting that decision sooner rather than later.

When I entered the building Adam and Alex were in the front office talking with The Boss.  I could immediately tell that he had them cornered (it may have been the distant, but startled look in their eyes) and they were quite pleased to see me!  They quickly mentioned they should get back to work and just about ran to the warehouse.  Cowardly bastards, didn't you ever hear you leave no man behind?  I will remember this! SERENITY NOW!

The Boss' attention quickly turned to me, like a bear who had moved on from the camper he was currently eating to his next delicious victim.  It was now my turn to be his sounding board.  He immediately started to explain the half-mowed lawn.  From what I was able to understand, there are geese around (the lawn leads to a small pond) and these geese clearly have it out for him (his words - not mine), because they have crapped all over the lawn.  Well, he just couldn't deal with the guano any longer and for his sanity (his word, not mine), he had to stop mowing.  He was so distraught; he loaded the lawnmower back into his car (does he know we have a work truck??) and returned it to his house.  Now, there is not only goose crap on the lawn to contend with, but he also has it in his trunk!

He then told me he spent the entire weekend researching geese and how to get rid of them (humanely, of course).  He also mentioned he contacted local pest control companies.  He was unable to discover much information that he considered useful.  He did read that garlic may work (I guess geese are closely related to learn something new every day) or putting string up where they like to visit (outside of the water) might deter them.

Lastly, he informed me that today he and the warehouse staff will be pounding small stakes into the ground and stringing a string in a diamond pattern near the water's edge to keep the geese from leaving the pond. He will then spread garlic cloves in the area.  When I asked if maybe the area should be mowed prior to pounding the stakes he gave me his common response of "I don't need an editorial" (this is his go-to statement when someone says something he doesn't like or agree with).  Well, I guess we are going to have string art in the half-mowed lawn which will now be safe from vampire visits.  I know you are jealous!

Where are the rest of the employees...I need help damn it!

On a personal note - I was saddened to hear of the passing of Jerry Stiller (notice the meme choice for today).  Seinfeld was (and is) still one of my favorite quotable shows.  RIP - Frank Costanza, you were hilarious!

Friday, May 15, 2020

Crash Course - Lawn Mowing 101

This morning started out like any other work morning.  I woke up, showered, fed my two furry buds and left for the office.  As I drove there, I wondered what fresh hell of craziness I would be facing today.  My question was quickly answered as I turned on to the pot-holed and crater filled "road" to our new office dwelling.

Just ahead of me was what looked like The Boss' car; I say it looked like, because I had some difficulty seeing it completely because perilously hanging from the trunk was a lawn mower! Now, a normal person would have brought home the work truck if they were considering the transport of  a lawn mower - but there are no normal people here, this is the Nuthouse!  I made sure I kept my distance from the mower transport vehicle.  It was barely secured in the trunk by a piece of rope and was bouncing around like a kid on a trampoline as he hit what seemed like every pot hole available.  I don't know how that mower remained in the trunk - I was witnessing a mower miracle!

As I got out of my car, The Boss looked over at me smiling like a proud child.  He had on his mask and big work gloves and he said, I'm  planning on mowing the lawn today".  Oh boy, this was going to be even better than I had originally expected!  He had some difficulties removing the mower from his trunk and I helped a bit.  Once we had got it out, he deposited it in the middle of a large grass patch and followed me into the building (at a very safe distance, of course).

As the morning progressed, he made a couple of veiled references to the lawn mower being outside.  I wonder if he thought someone else might "volunteer" to do the deed.  Well, no fear there - no one stepped up.  By 11 AM, I guess he realized it was all him and he proceeded to get ready to mow.  I know what you are thinking - he just grabbed some sunglasses and went outside to mow, right?  No, did you forget who we are talking about?

He took a duffel bag from his office, went into the restroom and in a few minutes emerged a totally different person.  He had changed his mask from the N95 to a full respirator (like the one he used when painting).  He also had changed his clothes and tucked his pant legs into his stocks.  These socks went up to the middle of his knees, so as you can imagine, this was quite a fashionable look.  He also had large, thick gloves which reminded me of the gloves a zookeeper who was dealing with large birds of prey might use.  He topped off the ensemble with a baseball cap and some extremely large safety glasses.  Yup, this man was ready to mow or clean up a toxic waste site!

Thursday, May 14, 2020

Don't Worry, My Eye Rolling Is Back & In Perfect Form!

If you remember, when I left the office the other day,  I noticed that the lawn was in need of a good mowing and I also was wondering where our dumpster was.  When I arrived this morning, The Boss wasn't in yet, but he called and assured me he was on his way.  As a side note, I am not sure why he keeps me so apprised of his imminent arrivals.  I wonder if he feels guilty that everyone is here and he still is having reservations about his safety of being here.  I don't think anyone would hold it against him if he stayed home a bit longer.

He arrived around lunchtime (face mask on point) and went directly to his office.  After lunch, I called him on his intercom (safety first) and mentioned that our dumpster wasn't here yet and questioned if he had called them to have it transferred over.  Currently, we are putting the garbage bags in the corner of the warehouse and they are really beginning to pile up.  He said he had not phoned them but would in the next week or so (????).  I mentioned that garbage from the sales office and warehouse was really getting out of hand and questioned why we would wait a couple of weeks to have the dumpster brought over.  Now, I hope you are sitting down for this explanation - he said the garbage companies were closed due to COVID-19!  In my world, garbage removal has been considered an essential business and I personally have had garbage picked up at my home each week.  But, yes, according to The Boss garbage companies are currently closed! Wow - just wow!

After I finished shaking my head at that conversation, I knew I couldn't just stop there (yup, I am a masochist).  I asked if he had a company he would like me to contact about mowing the lawn and taking care of the landscaping around the property.  He laughed and quickly told me that he would be doing the lawn work at the office. For those of you new to this blog or do not remember, The Boss does not have a good track record with machinery (have forklift - will destroy).  What could I say?  I just said, okay, I thanked him and hung up the intercom.  This has disaster written all over it!

We left a little early again today and as I was walking out the door, I envisioned The Boss mowing the lawn...I laughed a bit to myself and am actually looking forward to the show (entertainment has been so boring during the quarantine)!  I know - I am an awful person and going straight to hell!